Tuesday, August 9, 2011

Stopped in my tracks

Oh my goodness! I was having an OK day.

Not too bad.



It hit me like a ton of bricks.

Sadness. Loneliness. Completely overwhelmed with it all.


Like someone is ripping my heart out.

The tears are there, trying to break free.

Why? Why do I feel this way?

I mean, I kinda know why. I mean my life is not all hunky-dory. In a bad marriage. Solo parenting while he works a temp job 3 hours away. 2 special needs kids. A sister losing her battle with Leukemia. And no one to share it with. No one to help take the misery away. No one to wipe my tears.

I don't have many real life friends, and none close to me.

And all of this has stopped me in my tracks today.

Monday, August 1, 2011


Over the last month, I have run through a gamut of emotions.

I have had the feelings of excitement run through my veins. So real. So new. So wanted.

I have had the crushing blows of losing a good friend. A friend that meant more to me than I thought. But timing is everything, and this friendship was ahead of its time. 

I have had the worry of an MRI on my son's brain and then the impending worry of surgery to remove his tonsils and adenoids (brain looks good! and surgery went well).

I have been so torn by the actions of family members, that I have had to cut myself off from them. I need to avoid the drama.

Add this to the solo parenting for weeks and the disappointments from weekend visits from my kids' dad. And the sleepless nights due to all of this.

And now?

Now all I feel is


Sunday, July 24, 2011

Cobwebs cleared

The beach has always held magical powers to me.

The wind whistling around you.

The smell and taste of the salty air.

.The waves crashing against the sand. The sight of the moving water that goes as far as the eye can see.

The warm (and sometimes HOT) sand and the cool water as it tickles your toes.

The feeling of being so small standing next to the vast ocean.

It can inspire and motivate you. It can cleanse your heart. And, as my mama says, it can clear the cobwebs out of your head.

I had the cobwebs cleared. 

I acquired the inspiration. 

My heart was cleansed.

More to come.

Thursday, July 14, 2011

50 Things about me

The first 50 things I could come up about me.

  1. My first name (that my parents gave me) was Frances. I dropped it when I got married.
  2. My favorite color is blue. Preferably a light blue or bright blue.
  3. My favorite vacation spot is the beach. Atlantic Beach, NC to be exact. I grew up going there each year. 
  4. My sister has leukemia. She is 31, and doesn't have much longer to live. We are grateful for each day she is here (more on that later).
  5. The number 5 is my favorite number. 
  6. I love sports.
  7. I love NASCAR.
  8. Tony Stewart (#14) is my favorite driver.
  9. My bucket mostly consists of vising restaurants or sports venues.
  10. I love coffee.
  11. I have 2 boys.
  12. My oldest child has Aspergers.
  13. Bad weather makes me nervous.
  14. I LOVE FOOD!!!
  15. My nickname is high school was Phranki.
  16. I met my husband in an AOL chat room.
  17. I miss my house in Indiana. It was my dream house.
  18. I love growing roses.
  19. I like to crochet, and am getting pretty good.
  20. I LOVE Reba McEntire.
  21. I really hate SpongeBob.
  22. My favorite rose is a yellow long stem.
  23. My favorite flower is a star gazer lily.
  24. I was in the Chorus in High School.
  25. One of my guilty pleasures is reading Southern Living magazine.
  26. I can play the piano and can read easy sheet music.
  27. My favorite pizza toppings are: mushrooms, onions, green peppers, black olives, pineapple, and tomatoes.
  28. I am a hopeless romantic. 
  29. My favorite quote is: In the winds of change, you find your true direction.
  30. When I was 4 or 5, I went to the mountains with my grandparents, and I fell into the Nantahala River (in western NC). My grandmother made me a dress out of a pillowcase.
  31. My first concert was New Kids on the Block concert, where they opened for Tiffany. I left when Tiffany took the stage.
  32. I like to quote movies, songs, commercials, and TV shows randomly.
  33. I LOVE to sing. OUT. LOUD.
  34. I keep lists in notebooks. Bucket list, things that make me happy, etc. I have about 5 laying around the house. 
  35. I am a touch-feely kind of person. I love hugs. And kisses, cuddling, and PDA with my love.
  36. I enjoy retail therapy, but do not participate very often.
  37. I don't always clean the lint trap after each load of laundry.
  38. I do not have a best friend.
  39. I use hashtags in DMs, email, and texts. #hashtagjunkie (and apparently now in blog posts too)
  40. I have always wanted to open a bed and breakfast.
  41. I love to cook and feed people, and would also love to open a restaurant.
  42. My favorite movies are The Bodyguard and Pure Country. For real.
  43. I was bullied in school. It started in elementary school and continued through high school.
  44. There is a house between Tarboro and Greenville (in NC) that I have always been in love with, and would love to turn into a bed and breakfast.
  45. I hate the sound of a balloon popping.
  46. I hate twinkies.
  47. I love sappy romantic movies
  48. I love music - especially Country, 80s, 90s, and Classical.
  49. My grandma is responsible for my love of classical music. She used to take me to the symphony as well as ballets when I was a little girl. She always played classical music in her car. She had an album that she taped of The Musical Storyteller by Vivian Farrell
  50. I collect magnets. I love to get them as souvenirs when friends and family travel. I have some really neat ones from Italy, NYC, and Arkansas. 
OK, that's enough about me for now. 


I am broken. From many years of being disappointed by those I love. But I let them disappoint me. I had expectations.

I have had the idea of this blog for a while, and began to toss it around again after Google+ allowed me to join their little circle, and I was able to control who saw my words, I really began to get serious about it. It wasn't until last night and early this morning when I got completely blindsided by some issues, that I figured I would go ahead and start sooner rather than later.

My mom, niece, and nephew dropped by last night to stay on their way to the beach. My mom has custody of them, and all that entails. Often times, I feel like my kids and I are left out. Things my mom should be able to help me with like babysitting, she's unable to do because of her commitment to my niece and nephew. I am glad that she was able to take care of the kids, I feel like we are all getting cheated out of a relationship.

And that makes me sad.

And last night? When they were here talking about how much fun they were going to have at the beach, I lost it. I was able to contain it until everyone fell asleep. It came out some last night, it invaded my dreams, and it completely crippled me this morning.

I started writing about it, and about the feelings it gave me (in another post for another time), and then I chatted with a friend. Things began to look up. A little. I was able to stop crying uncontrollably. While I am still kicking it around in my head, I am able to function now. I was unsure if I would be able to function this morning. I went through the motions of getting my son to an appointment and then a quick trip to the store. But that was it. I could barely move.

I am hoping as writing about the things going on in my life (and there is a BUNCH), I will be able to work through them. You will be my therapists.