I am broken. From many years of being disappointed by those I love. But I let them disappoint me. I had expectations.
I have had the idea of this blog for a while, and began to toss it around again after Google+ allowed me to join their little circle, and I was able to control who saw my words, I really began to get serious about it. It wasn't until last night and early this morning when I got completely blindsided by some issues, that I figured I would go ahead and start sooner rather than later.
My mom, niece, and nephew dropped by last night to stay on their way to the beach. My mom has custody of them, and all that entails. Often times, I feel like my kids and I are left out. Things my mom should be able to help me with like babysitting, she's unable to do because of her commitment to my niece and nephew. I am glad that she was able to take care of the kids, I feel like we are all getting cheated out of a relationship.
And that makes me sad.
And last night? When they were here talking about how much fun they were going to have at the beach, I lost it. I was able to contain it until everyone fell asleep. It came out some last night, it invaded my dreams, and it completely crippled me this morning.
I started writing about it, and about the feelings it gave me (in another post for another time), and then I chatted with a friend. Things began to look up. A little. I was able to stop crying uncontrollably. While I am still kicking it around in my head, I am able to function now. I was unsure if I would be able to function this morning. I went through the motions of getting my son to an appointment and then a quick trip to the store. But that was it. I could barely move.
I am hoping as writing about the things going on in my life (and there is a BUNCH), I will be able to work through them. You will be my therapists.