Stopped in my tracks

Oh my goodness! I was having an OK day.

Not too bad.

Then.

WHAM!

It hit me like a ton of bricks.

Sadness. Loneliness. Completely overwhelmed with it all.

Paralyzed.

Like someone is ripping my heart out.

The tears are there, trying to break free.

Why? Why do I feel this way?

I mean, I kinda know why. I mean my life is not all hunky-dory. In a bad marriage. Solo parenting while he works a temp job 3 hours away. 2 special needs kids. A sister losing her battle with Leukemia. And no one to share it with. No one to help take the misery away. No one to wipe my tears.

I don't have many real life friends, and none close to me.

And all of this has stopped me in my tracks today.

Numb

Over the last month, I have run through a gamut of emotions.

I have had the feelings of excitement run through my veins. So real. So new. So wanted.

I have had the crushing blows of losing a good friend. A friend that meant more to me than I thought. But timing is everything, and this friendship was ahead of its time. 

I have had the worry of an MRI on my son's brain and then the impending worry of surgery to remove his tonsils and adenoids (brain looks good! and surgery went well).

I have been so torn by the actions of family members, that I have had to cut myself off from them. I need to avoid the drama.

Add this to the solo parenting for weeks and the disappointments from weekend visits from my kids' dad. And the sleepless nights due to all of this.

And now?

Now all I feel is

NUMB